I bet you thought I was going to write about something on my bucket list.
Well you are wrong.
I know. That was a game changer. I like to be spontaneous sometimes.
But you know, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I do not want to do this bucket list. I thought it would be a good idea at first, make me more “outrageous”.
I am just too awkward to be reckless. Plus, the awkwardness is part of my appeal.
It is kind of killing my writing. Honestly, roasting on myself 24/7 takes a lot of work. And I think my negative lifestyle is starting to have an effect on my self-esteem, so it’s pretty much lighten up, or start therapy.
Being personable is less effort. So here it is, The Meghan Poff Bucket List for a More Satisfactory Existence.
Woah….That was so cliché, I should make it my Facebook status. As corny as they are, the reason that stuff gets so many likes, is because it’s true. I think I spend a too much time being cynical on social networking sites. I need to lighten up.
These are the best years of my life; I want to say I was the best and happiest person I could be. I can’t become bitter until I’m at least 79 so that leaves me about 64 years to enjoy, starting now.
It really shouldn’t have been so problematic for me.
As sarcasm is practically my native tongue, I could see how this could create a language barrier between me and my peers. But I didn’t think it would be that difficult. And after all, it would create the opportunity for me to see life from a more optimistic point of view.
And of course, I had the support of my friends.
Friend: “Meghan this is such a joke. I do not even know why you are wasting your time. You are just too mean of a person to not be sarcastic.”
But I proceeded to, “waste my time” anyway. And what I came to find after one week, is that everyone is a downer.
To enable myself to pass through the week without a cynical remark passing my lips, I concurred that I would drown my cruel remarks with enthusiasm and forced zeal. As a person that has been labeled as a “Debby downer” and a “Negative Nelly”, I assumed that my positive change in attitude would be a pleasant surprise to everyone at school.
Naturally, I assumed wrong.
Day 1:
Me: “Good morning Baylea! It’s nice to see you today!”
Baylea: “I’m going to pretend like you didn’t just say that.” (*Turns away)
Day 2:
Nick: “Get out of my way. You are blocking my locker.”
Me: “Oh sorry Nick, I feel really bad. I’m always in your guys’ way. I’ll try to not be so intrusive.”
Nick: “Shut up.” (*Walks off)
Day 3:
Me: “Hey Tyler. You look nice today.”
Tyler: “You know, I am getting pretty tired of this no sarcasm thing. It is really annoying. Don’t talk to me until the week is over.” (*Leaves)
So by the week’s end, I went home with a broken self-esteem, a bruised ego, and a declining faith in human kindness. My mom told me to stop complaining and take an Advil.
So with one item on my bucket list done, there is only one moral to the story.
reck·less [rek-lis] –adjective -utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless; how the cool kids roll (usually followed by of ): to be reckless of danger.
I am not reckless.
I am boring. Annoying. Irritating. Some might even say platitudinous.
I’m the person who won’t even answer your text during class because I know I’ll get caught.
That is seriously lame. At the rate I’m going, I better start buying cats to prepare myself for a pathetic lonely life.
But then I realized, hey maybe if I start now, I might actually have friends. Who my mom doesn’t have to pay to hang out with me; a radical concept. Because for now, these are my “friends.”
Friend 1: “So anyway, I was telling Meghan that…”
Friend 2: “Omg Meghan Poff? She is so monotonous, have you ever noticed that?”
Friend 1: I know, I honestly just hate myself every time I have to talk to her. But her mom pays good money so I struggle through it.”
Me: “Hey, umm guys. I’m standing right here.”
And so the bucket list was born. But not the usual cliché, “Give money to charity, see a national monument, bike across the country.” I already did all that stuff. And besides, something tells me that the lady at Yellowstone National Park wearing the neon fanny pack is not very reckless.
So I thought of every cool thing I have always wanted to do and made it into a list of about 100. Then I took out everything too embarrassing or inappropriate and it left me with about 15.
If all goes according to plan, maybe someone might actually text me back on the weekends. I have it all planned out in my head.
Friend: “Ugh, okay, I replied what do you want?”
Me: (A few hours later) “Oh sorry I couldn’t text you back right away. I was busy.”
Friend: “Doing what?”
Me: “Stuff. Crazy stuff.”
I worked out the times, and I’ll put that text conversation at about three hours total. That is a new record for me by about two hours and forty-five minutes.
I feel like this bucket list thing is really going to open some big doors for me.
So now, if I go off to college and still end up socially awkward and weird, at least I can say I tried. I’m going to have to make up some stories though. I don’t want all the cool kids think I’m weird.
I think it’s going to be a good year.
The Bucket List
1. Drive a Barbie Jeep through a drive-through
2. Mud wrestling
3. Cover myself in glue then roll in colored glitter
4. Free hug day
5. Hit on every guy I see at Wal-Mart at 3 a.m.
6. Not get on Facebook for three weeks
7. Fail something
8. Go up to the hottest guy in the school and ask him to marry me
9. Write a message in a bottle, leave it on the shelf at Target, and see who replies
10. Write a complaint letter to a place I’ve never bought something from to see if I’ll get some free stuff
11. Follow a stranger around for an hour
12. Make 50 grilled cheese sandwiches
13. Go mudding on a skateboard
14. Walk up to someone at a party and kiss them
15. Be nice to everyone I talk to for an entire day
16. Give up sarcasm for a week
17. Prank call 100 people
18. Jaywalk in front of a police station. Oh yes.
19. Glue money to the street, hide behind a bush, and when someone tries to pick it up, jump out and yell PSYCH!
20. Laugh at everything anyone says for a whole day
21. Not be a friendless loser
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