“Couture in the country” with Alexandra Clark
Staff reporter
My best friend has this weird mentality that every situation is awkward. Literally, every situation even if it is not awkward, she will make it that way. She would rather die than introduce herself to someone she does not know, or even just ask for directions. The most menial things embarrass her so much that in fact, she will just abruptly walk away from a position that makes her un-comfortable. She is what I would call a wall-flower. She does not speak unless spoken to, is observant, and un-confrontational. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I stick up for things I believe in, I call it how I see it, and I can talk to anyone. I am the definition of an extrovert while she is an introvert. So naturally, I decided that I should write a column on awkward situations that can provide an insight to those whether they prefer to conquer awkwardness head-on, or sit back and watch the collision from a safe distance.
A confusing combination
The sitch: you spot your friend’s dad at a nice restaurant. You have known him for years; he might as well be like an uncle. He appears to be wearing a dress shirt and tie, and is out for lunch with some friends. You approach him, and as he stands to greet you he evidently could not choose what to wear today because along with his nice top half his bottom half looks like it has been severed from another person’s body and sewn onto his. He is wearing jeans. Now this is an awkward situation for two reasons: one, you do not know whether to fist bump (he is in jeans), or shake his hand (he is in a dress shirt and tie). Two, you just made it double-awkward with that perplexed face you made at his inconsistent garb.
The way out: smile and make eye-contact quickly to reassure that no, you were not just internally gagging at his party-like- its -1999 jeans. At least he was not wearing mandals, but I digress. Anyways, the best way to tell whether he would like to be treated like a frat boy or a business proprietor is to take a quick peek at his shoes. If he is wearing dress shoes, shake his hand. If he is wearing sneakers, mentally say a prayer for this poor fashion-blinded soul, and go forth with the fist bump.
Name, name go away
The sitch: there is always that one person you see every day at school, work, church etc. that you can never remember their name for one reason or another. There is also going to be the inevitable awkward situation where you are forced to converse with this person. They approach, and time seems to be sloth-like. You are just staring into that familiar strangers face and see a big, question mark. The train has left the station, and it is not coming back. In fact, I think it decided to pick up the entire continent of China, so you better get pre-occupied, and fast. They are probably a foot away now, and you are looking for something, anything, to get you away from this confrontation. Of course, there are none of your friends in sight, so my friend, this is where you grin and bear it.
The way out: the most obvious thing to do would be to whip out your mental file of generic names. Personally, I am just weird, so I like to use duder, fooler, or I just say “yo-yo yiggity- yo”. That does not necessarily mean I have forgotten your name either, I just enjoy saying that. Guys like to say “brah” which is just confusing on the whole, and I prefer to just skip that entirely because frankly, why would anyone refer to anyone else as lingerie? However, this may not be someone you can just be informal with on the spot. It could be a boss, a mentor, a distant relative, or to underclassmen, a senior. To this I say simply say hello and immediately bring up something that is visible on them. Whether that is a nice blouse, killer Steve Maddens, or an interesting piece of jewelry.
First date fate
The sitch: you except an invitation to a date with someone who seems cool, you just are not too sure about. As the date progresses, things are going in a sketchy direction. They avoid eye contact at all costs, and even whip out a picture of their pet guinea pig that is wearing a sweater. If it were me, that would be a deal breaker but for some, this might be the beginning. After awhile they start squealing, burping, screaming, crying, and chant the 10 commandments. This is where you might want to consider leaving, and quickly. With a scene this obscene, even Reno 911 would have trouble putting it on the air. You grab your belongings, and as just as you are about to escape, a beverage knocks over into your lap, spilling its contents like an over-active bladder.
The way out: First of all, I hope you have previously invested in a Tide To Go Pen. Girl, guy, sloth, whatever you are-you need one. It is so small it can fit inside almost any purse, knap-sack, or pocket. It can be taken anywhere and is a savior in situations like these. Not only does it allow for a speedy-recovery with its quick dry abilities, it lasts a good amount of time, unless you are a danger prone Daphne. A Tide To Go Pen may not be able to sop up Niagra Falls obviously, but is still useful for other smaller slips and spills. Anyways, if you have a jacket I would tie that around your waist for the time being, so that people do not think you pulled a Fergie. If a jacket is not available, I would assume space behind someone else exiting the building so that on-lookers have a hard time seeing your spill. It is a temporary fix, and if you have time you could even go to the bathroom to use the hand drier, but I am assuming you are trying to get out of their using cheetah-like speed.
With any awkward situation, there is a less awkward way out. Hopefully you will remember these tips to beat the awkward and topple it with confidence.
